All Alone

Last night: kids out with the grandparents. Husband working late. Silent house.
 
I couldn’t even believe it… moments alone! In my house! With no one needing anything from me! As a highly sensitive person and an introvert, with kids and a husband and a home and a part-time job and a business, I live in a world of constant over-stimulation where time to myself is my unicorn. Most people have sexual fantasies… I fantasize about being left alone. 
 
I floundered around for a while – what do I do?! Dishes? Laundry? [Susan… seriously… it’s ok to relax
Go to bed at 7? [now we’re talkin’… except this almost seems like wasting the opportunity]
 
In the end I opted for premium self-care: popcorn and chocolate for dinner, sketching in my brand new bullet journal, and catching up on Downton Abbey. Perfection.
 
It’s exceedingly rare to have a few hours free – most days I literally only get minutes to focus on me. My quick parking lot meditations are a lifesaver when I know that a big block of silence is going to be a long wait. It CAN be done if you’re crafty and committed. How can you take care of yourself today, in whatever moments you have? 

Walking through the Fire

gateway

New moon, soft rainy skies, and the anniversary of one of the most painful days of my life.  Oh Sunday, go home, you’re drunk.

This past Sunday was a doozy. I had a total meltdown over losing my keys (dear Mercury retrograde, please go away). I couldn’t even cope with the frustration, I just fell to pieces. I was self-aware enough to wonder what the hell was going on with me… and then it hit me. I looked at the date. And there was my answer.
January 10, 2010 was one of the worst days of my life. Upheaval of things I trusted implicitly, total disruption of what I thought my life really was. Even with the comfort of friends and family I felt (and still feel, to a certain extent) deeply, irretrievably alone.
In six years, I’ve learned to love and forgive and nourish my spirit in ways that I wouldn’t have known otherwise. I used to think of myself as ‘healing’ – then as I was working on my intentions for 2015, I realized that I could release healing and consider myself healed. That was a permission that hadn’t occurred to me until then and it’s given me a lot to think about over the past year. I will always have the experience and the memories- but I have walked through the fire.
I wish it had never happened, but if it hadn’t I wouldn’t know my own strength. Who I am today would not be as well-defined. I wouldn’t know the depth of my own wisdom and resilience. I wouldn’t have this drive to serve women in their own journeys through life. I’m ready to channel these lessons into a source of strength for others. From disaster, through healing, to today – I wasn’t just formed, I was forged.
Thanks for reading <3

I just meditated. It was beautiful.

lotus3 Before you imagine me spending an hour sitting in lotus position on a meditation pillow, burning incense while bamboo flute music lilts through the air, allow me to elaborate: I’m sitting in my car in a parking garage, in between my part-time office job and my full-time-plus parenting gig. I meditated for two minutes to the sound of my air conditioner and passing cars.

Is it perfect? No. Does it need to be? Not really.

I spent way too long not meditating because it seemed hard, complicated, or inaccessible to a busy mom like me. I finally took charge and realized that if I wait only for the perfect right moments, it might never happen- and I wasn’t ok with that. It is enough to just sit for a minute or two, savoring this moment, being right where I am, breathing into whatever part of my body calls to me. Today it’s my knees (I ran 4 miles yesterday) and my heart (inexplicably tender).

Give yourself permission to carve out a tiny little space for meditation. Between jobs, in the shower, after you pick up the groceries but before you drive home. Don’t assume that meditation can only happen a certain way- make it yours.