070 opening

070 opening

I’ve been taking on more volunteer jobs lately, which means meeting more people, which means introducing myself (gulp). And I realized a few things along the way.

I have a deeply felt sense of my purpose, but I don’t put it out clearly or comfortably. I live it, but I am not communicating it with ease, with flourish, with conviction. I desire to lead other women toward their purpose, I feel I have the tools and leadership to do so, but I am [still] not walking my talk to the extend I can/should.

I have internalized the societal discount of mothering. This is my first job, highest priority, sacred calling above all else. I have never used the phrase ‘just a mom’ – I know better than that – but I have silently flogged myself with ‘not good enough’ a million times. I have been bringing myself into daily connection with the beauty and mystery of them, the lessons they bring me, the growth I have experienced (without selling myself short) and still must leave myself open to experience (without beating myself up).

This social anxiety shit has got to stop.

The more peace I find in yoga and meditation, the more I want to share. I am also trying to be mindful of the issues with colonization of yoga so I can practice and teach with the utmost respect and authenticity.

Caring for myself, loving myself, filling my cup. Keeping my damn promises to myself. Devotion. Treasuring my moments of solitude, connection, sweat, tears, effort, ease. Retreating powerfully so I can emerge wholeheartedly.

000 psoas

Today I purchased a video training about how to stretch and care for the hip flexors. Sorry to geek out on you but I am REALLY excited about this. I have read enough about the psoas to know that caring for it can be life-changing. Will report back soon… after I watch the videos!

000 just really

One day this week, I wrote a post but I forgot to hit Publish. Now it’s here somewhere in my drafts but I’m not sure where.

Another day I did something brilliant on Instagram but lacked the brain power to figure out how to share it here.

One day I was so tired I went to bed at 7 pm even though I knew that meant I wasn’t keeping my promise.

I’m so tired. I haven’t even recovered from the sensory overload of the conference last week – haven’t written about it, haven’t reviewed my notes. I miss the creative energy and the brilliant women and the flow of ideas. And, so much of it was overwhelming and I came straight home to excited children & Easter family gathering & a CRAZY busy week of massage and I am spent.

000 I said

I said I would be here every day.

I said I was devoted.

I said I would keep my promise.

I didn’t.

I have THOUGHT about posting every day but a script in my head – not interesting, not original, not clever, not heard, not enough – kept repeating in my head.

Then I remembered this isn’t about being comfortable. It’s actually intentionally about being UNcomfortable. My promise is supposed to be about learning new things, not hiding behind what is known. So: promise renewed. I am smarter and braver than I was yesterday.

041 new moon

The new moon was 2 days ago. I am still steeped in darkness and renewal. Every day that I have not posted it has been on my mind – accusations and peacemaking going on in my head. Loving myself just as I am and wondering why keeping a promise is so hard for me. I have worked on my business pretty much every day behind the scenes – but that’s not what the promise was. The promise was to show up here.

I am still learning: how to keep a promise every single day, however small it is; and how to share it without shaming myself into invisibility.

I am also teaching: how to keep returning to yourself. I believe I can do it. I believe anyone can. I believe the lessons I learn as I live along this path will make me a better coach, human, mama, wife.

030 ten years

Ten years of marriage.

On a cold and blustery day, under an oak tree, by a lake, in the spring, with candles and guitar music, I joined my life to his. All our most favorite people passed our rings from hand to hand, blessing our union, blessing us with their wisdom.

At the moment of sunset – 6:29 if I remember correctly – my dad and I walked arm in arm from the Summer House to the Hummingbird Garden. I sparkled in a silk dress homemade and hand-beaded by my mom. I stepped into a new world, a new me, married me.

In nine years we have experienced so much. The usual (laughter, tears, jobs, moving, babies, all that) and the not so usual (sudden heartbreak and radical forgiveness). We held hands and gave birth together. We have attended weddings and funerals. We have loved hard and yelled some and made two breathtakingly amazing children. We have lost two grandmothers, two cats. one dog, and two pregnancies. We have gained a home, a family, a convocation (or possibly cacophony) of laughter and curls and salt water and owls and oak trees and soil and warmth and trust and safety and mission.

I am so loved, so grateful, so married.

029 advance

For the past 3 days I’ve been working on my business behind the scenes – website updates, business development, some training to strengthen my coaching skills, not so much blogging. Preparing for greater visibility & success. Journaling all the ways I support myself and others, all the ways I wish to serve.

I have my own ideas so you tell me… if you’re here and reading this, what are my strengths? What questions can I answer for you?

026 maintain

Instead of writing blog posts I’ve been working behind the scenes on web site maintenance. I am not a techie or a WordPress expert, as is probably clear by the appearance and organization of my site. So these things take time.

I had an interesting breakthrough in my journaling this weekend that I will write more about this week.

021 leadership

I am ecstatic to announce that I am going to attend Your Leadership Recipe LIVE in Macon, Georgia at the end of March. Makenna Held has long been an inspiration for me, as a coach and as an entrepreneur.

As a white woman I feel a profound responsibility to speak against misogyny, racism, ableism and homophobia and to use my privileged position in this society to bring more attention to injustice. My voice is needed, if only to direct attention to the voices of black // LBGTQI+ // marginalized women who are doing the work, have always done the work of freedom and justice. I write, I mother, I relate, I live, and I lead from a space of intersectional feminism – liberation for ALL women.

Women I love who will be speaking & leading there:

Makenna Held – just the queen, seriously.

Layla Saad – spiritual and business mentor, a certified Reiki II energy practitioner, an award-winning speaker and the host of the Wild Mystic Woman Podcast.

Alexis P. Morgan – Writer, troublemaker, my primary day-to-day inspiration.

Andréa Ranae Johnson – Coach, facilitator, and writer. Leader of the Coaching as Activism course which is on my MUST DO list.

Halley Grey – online marketing at Evolve and Succeed.

Thais Sky – women’s coach, speaker, teacher and feminist.

And there are more, I just haven’t gotten to them all yet.

Read, follow, hear, and pay these women. They are everything.